Before this assignment I had two letters stowed away in my keepsake box. Whenever it seemed like the thunderstorm from outside was about to flood my belly,that feeling when your lungs feel like they might flutter out of your chest and your throat feels like a million bees used your larynx for a landing strip, I would sneak over to my memory box and pull out whichever one I needed most.
The first letter came from a political science teacher in high school. One of the only teachers who ever believed in me and had confidence for a future that I have yet to make good on. That letter comes out whenever I need to say "get up, get up, get up, get going."
The other letter came from a girl who ended up as my AOII little sister but began as a competitor in a speech and debate tournament. Now, I don't like to lose (who does) and during my years as an active forensic league member I made it my business to practice so hard....well, you get the picture. My junior year the only tournament I placed second at (in this particular category) was at state and the number one blue ribbon went to my future lil'sis. You can imagine what my reaction was when she first met me and said "oh my god, you're Christina McCleanhan, I beat you once!"
Time, breakups, studying for exams, all of that weighed me down and needless to say when I received her letter just before my undergraduate graduation, the opinion that she had of me and the wishes she harbored in her heart came as a much needed and unexpected reward. I take that letter out when I need to remember who I was in high school, before rejection turned my roar into a slight growl.
I get to add another letter to that secret hiding place. This assignment is really wonderful because it makes you feel like the greatest thing since sliced bread after you've read it. I mean regardless of what's said, someone had to really listen to what you were saying and that feels pretty awesome.
Here's what I learned:
1. that even though most of my thoughts are bogged down in self-critical observations and fears, in reality they all seem pretty pointless because I move forward so quickly I'm never really stuck in the mud for that long. So in a nutshell- If I am a notebook of creativity and existence then the fears are kind of like the perforated edges of paper in a notebook and I just need to crinkle those up and toss 'em....or a make a really big spit ball to shoot.
2. I need to take my own advice or at the very least practice what I preach. Surely to God if I can help someone out of writer's block by telling them to do something like pretend to tell me a bedtime story, I can do the same.- Do you think Elvis got a phone call that said " Hey El, this is popular culture calling and we'd like for you to swivel your hips when you sing so we can piss off older generations? No. My ingenuity and creative spark is the only thing that's going to make me the next big thing. I've got a lot of debt piling up so listening to my heart might be a good idea.
3. I need to trust my instincts and live the life I love. In a nutshell- I might feel like I'm jaded but that's not how it looks to other people. Alas, I must carry the burden of having positive characteristics...so much for living my life as an emo-hermit... I was totally looking forward to spending MWF listening to Nirvana and TTH blasting Death Cab for Cutie......huhhhhhhh
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
if i didn't know you C, i'd say you're a mess, trying to move ahead but keeping yourself under the microscope a lot. and being in a program like this doesn't help does it? i like your affirmations... change "I need" to "I will"
ReplyDeletee