Shying away...

Hello Class,

First, I must confess that I'm continually amazed at how I keep finding my way back to this blog. I truly don't know if I've done it the same way twice. Okay, well, so, umm...you can certainly tell this is a class of creative writers - we like to hear ourselves write! Or is it see ourselves in print. ;-)

Moving right along... I FBed a fellow workshopper from last semester, and with whom I have the pleasure again to be workshopping, and asked her to be completely honest and tell me how I come across, what my "workshop character" is. The following is what she posted on my Wall:

I would say you are very consciousness (sic) of what you are saying when you say it. You take your time to consider what others are saying and then respond if you feel it is a good issue. You also tend to look at a person's work from different angles giving a critic (sic) that is unique.

Is that long enough? I can write more! :)

As you can see, she offered to say more but given the extreme demands on our time, I did not press for more. She did approach me in workshop that Thursday to expand a bit further. I was touched by her gesture, as I could see sincerity in her smile, and eagerness (I'll comment on that more in a moment). Not having pressed her, her perceptions, expressed briefly, seem to align fairly well with what I offered up in my minimalist way in class last week. Had I pushed for more - and I probably should have - I might likely have gotten a more rounded or nuanced reply, and maybe something that would have been uncomfortable to hear. It is not in my nature to push or press or be otherwise aggressive in any manner. Sometimes I lose out. I am by a country mile the senior member in my classes and that causes me to be keenly aware of myself and of how others perceive and interact with me. There exists the chronological distance of a generation gap - and some! -between myself and classmates my daughter's age and, dare I say, younger. It is reassuring to me anytime I feel that gap is being bridged. Also, because of my academic background, I put pressure on myself to feel the need to perform at high levels, and this after being out of the mix for longer than some of my classmates have been on Earth! Causing yet another reason to be uncomfortable. Yes, people. One's basic personality never changes, my belief being that much of it is hardwired from birth.

Shel, I don't want to misrepresent you, but I think you said something about being too old to be a class clown or cut-up, suggesting that this might be one way in which you might naturally respond in any given situation. I can certainly share that sentiment, and that inclination. I think it is frequently born of innate shyness. I can go there in a second too (I and one of my brothers, the middle children, were considered the family clowns, as I was also among my small group of friends throughout my early years) but I will generally restrain myself because - and I'm thinking of situations where it would not be necessarily inappropriate - other than folks who know me pretty well, it could be taken the wrong way. It has been. And given my current "station in life", it would certainly appear unbecoming, if nothing else. Act your age! Decades ago when I was teaching French to college students, one young lady commented on her evaluation form at the end of the semester that I was "flippant". I was taken aback and hurt. I had never thought of it that way. My "flippancy" got me through teaching a class at nine o'clock in the morning without having to resort to alcohol!

Moving right along...some more... Additionally, in response to my rather tenacious insecurities unveiled in an email in an attempt to explain my lack of verbal participation to someone else's work in class that same Thursday, I reaped the following unsolicited comment:

I wouldn't worry if I were you--I always think your comments are wise and insightful (feel free to quote me on our class blog!)

The following is what I had said in that email to Jennifer (I had already given her my typewritten response):

The fact that I was quiet had no bearing on your wonderful work. I think you understand how we can start playing head games with ourselves sometimes. I believe some (of) it had to do with the discussion of our workshop character in Theories class. At some point I became quite self-conscious. That coupled with being tired and run down so early in the semester, and the energy it takes me to participate anywhere near the level that seems to come so naturally to others, all that kind of kept my mouth glued shut in spite of myself.

We had already workshopped two other submissions that day and I had spoken my mind when so moved. But then I realized I had become sort of hyper self-aware. Adding to that was concern that I might just be parroting others at that point and, that, being distasteful to me, was not an option. Another expectation of myself, whether in a large context or small, is I have always felt like, once a certain level of participation has been reached, it will always be expected and it should always be maintained and anything less would not be acceptable, as if anyone is paying that close attention. Now, there's a reason to shy away...