I've been thinking a lot about the exercise last week, and why I felt so inept in the role. I'm usually able to think on my feet, even, and especially, in hostile or crisis situations. Mitigating circumstances aside, I've realized that my behavior during the role-play was determined by my personal state. Because of current events in my personal life, I was unable to perform in a calm, nurturing, effective manner. The roles served as triggers: interruption, irrelevant associations, selfish perspective, disagreement for the sake of opposition, silence though words are required. When things kicked off, I was back in my living room, going nowhere and tired of the scenery. I didn't realize I entered class with emotions bubbling beneath the surface, my tongue held, but pressed back like the arm of a catapult, ready to fire.
I say this not to show you my guts, nor to whine about poor choices, but because it brings up what I believe to be a pressing question for each of us. When I am a teacher, I will still have a personal life. Even if I learn to make better choices, I will still have to be able to separate my personal urges and emotional shortfalls from the classroom in order to be effective in my role, to behave in a manner appropriately focused on the students. How does one accomplish this?
Also obvious to me now, is that the group of people in a classroom are indeed in a relationship. One in which they did not choose each other. From this perspective, a successful class looks like nothing short of a miracle. I believe that the teacher's role is to create and foster an environment conducive to building and maintaining this relationship. Is this an impossible view?
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Not sure how long the responses should be, but that was well said.
ReplyDeleteI thought about this when I taught in Japan and had many days where my performance as an instructor was off because of my personal life. I remember sitting on the steps outside of the school one day because I was totally drained--physically and emotionally. But school was in session the next day and I was expected to be there and teach. So, while I'm not sure there is any one answer to the question (or if it was rhetorical), I would say to do the best we can with what we have to give on that day. Even though you felt you didn't do well at the exercise, you gave an honest effort and cared about the classroom environment enough to keep going, even though it was an exercise.
I'm thinking back now to all the times I've seen professors cry, blank out, make obvious mistakes, or completely lose it. But they kept trying. They showed up determined the next day. As imperfect beings, we can't always be 100 percent in the classroom. After preparing ourselves to the best of our abilities, all we can do afterward is show up and have at it.
(for elmaz' benefit) i posted this before she sent out the email prompt (4 pages - really? do you know how long that is online? i mean i get it, but you don't think that the vehicle changes the viable parameters?), so count this outside of our requirements. it was just something that clubbed me over the head. i wanted to share the mush with you guys and have you make something out of it (vain & selfish - good start). thank you, ishmael, for grounding me.
ReplyDeletewe'll talk about this alot in class. the personal life and teaching. it is more delicate in the workshop because it has a more personal connection to everyone involved, including the teacher. We have to clock in like any worker, so how do we do it? Shel, sorry it hit so hard.
ReplyDeleteelmaz